Merdeka...!!! Merdeka...!!! Merdeka...!!! Merdeka...!!! Merdeka...!!! Merdeka...!!! Merdeka...!!!

I watched the youtube clip of the day Malaya got it's independence. As I see the Malaysian flag being raised and the national anthem being played for the 1st time, my heart felt a a surge of national pride. Those chants of 'Merdeka...!!!', rings in my ears, a song of freedom. I release from forgiven powers, a new path has been opened, a new journey has begun. How we have gone so far, to get to where we are today.

As I watched more Malaysia and Merdeka related clips, I start to think about the future of Malaysia. I start to wonder the decision that I have planned, to go back to Malaysia to serve my country. Is it just a romantic dream, have I been brain washed by 12 years in the Malaysian education system? Or is it some thing that is worth wild going for... Can a kampung boy from a little town of Keningau, be a ripple of hope that is to come to Malaysia? We'll see when the time comes.

It is strange, how, one will only feel such a sense of national pride, when he is out of the country that he is from. It is how, you won't miss something till it's not there. It's the same with being in Malaysia. I have always had a sense of pride to be an 'Anak Malaysia'. But this pride, has a stronger impact when you are away from the country.

As I sit and ponder about this day, I hope that the answer, of to where am I suppose to be in the future, and where am I suppose to serve, will be reveled to me. I want to go home, to serve, but people around me say that there ain't a bright future back there. I see that glimmer of hope.... I want to fan that little flickering flame, to be a roaring furnaces. To burn bright on top of the mount, so that people will see that, Malaysia can do it... 'Malaysia Boleh...!!!'

Is it worth it?

At times I wonder, if all of this is worth it? I''m trying my best to keep on top of things but at times (like now) I feel as if I'm holding everything together by the thread.

This thought came to me during this week, around Thursday, when one of my cousin ask, 'How do you do it, doing all these stuff?' ' We go out at 10pm to have a drink with friends and you go out at 10pm to send stuff to the city for OCF (Overseas Christian Fellowship).

Honestly I don't know how I am keeping up with things. At times I even doubt that I am on track. I don't know if this is a false sense of confidence or is this strength from God. I'm doing 5 papers every semester, so I can finish my degree as fast as I can, to ease the burden on my family. Also, to make things easier for me to move a head in what I want to do, but, I really doubt if I can pull it off. I already failed one paper last semester, I don't know if I can change that this time round. I actually promised my self that, if I were to fail, I would slow down my degree to a normal pace and just do what everyone is doing, but I took on 5 papers anyway. mmm....

2 test 2 assignment due next week, and I haven't finish any of it, nor have I started revising for any of it. It's already 8.30pm (Sun). Can I make it though this week? (God Help me)

I requested for a week off from music ministry because I was getting really tired and I don't want to not give my best when I serve. (I was suppose to worship lead next week). Today we painted the youth room and I was washing the paint brushes late in the evening at home. My cousin was with her bf and was about to leave the house, said hi and stuff. But it kinda got me thinking, there they are, all dressed up to go out and stuff, and here am I, in an overall, with paint stain all over, washing brushes. The sun has nearly set and it was still raining...

So, is it worth it? Is this really how I wanna live my life in NZ? I work hard play hard but I'm getting really tired. I think it was the same feeling I got around this time last year as well, where I found myself nearly at the edge of burning out. There was a point last year,(around this time) where I was in church every night, practicing for one event or something else to do with church.

Well, I'm gonna try to pull an all nighter tonight to revise for my test and to finish off an assignment that is due tomorrow and the day after. God, please give me strength to pull through this. I really don't know if I can pull it off, but I really think I need the time. ( This is kinda a time waster to begin with but I really want to vent it out). Amen...

Ok, here I go.. study...

Maori Lady

Today was interesting...

I was walking to uni and this old lady came out of the car and yelled out 'boi..!', with her hands waving me to her... (I was quite a distance away from her)

So I went, thinking there was something she wanted to ask or needed help with something. When I got close enough, she started talking in maori (or at least that's what I think she was talking, because I only understand 1 word from the whole 5 min conversation). She just kept talking and pointing, I start to get a bit worried, thinking she needs help with something, because the word I heard was 'fanu', which means family.

As I was standing there, listening, I start to look around and, thank God, 1 lady with 2 kids came towards the car. The lady asked if the old lady was asking for directions, I just said I couldn't understand. She laughed and hopped on the car.

As I walked to uni, I was thinking of how much the maori language sound like dusun. I felt this sense of, lost-ness in my own culture, because the old lady really looked like a dusun 'inan' (=old lady) and it could have been in Sabah and I'll be just as lost.

This thought, this sense of urgency, to learn dusun keeps coming over me time and time again. I know I'm only 1/8 dusun, but still, the only person in the family that knows how to speak it is still my grandpa, and I'm really scared that one day, that part of our family, that history, the culture, will be gone forever.

I had a thought, of maybe, I could learn dusun from my grandpa through the internet. My Grandpa is getting good at it and is able to call people on skype these days. Should I spend like, an hour a week, to learn from my grandpa?... I'll look into it... see how it goes...